Strength and Courage

Hey guys,
 It's Friday morning, about 2:30am. I've been trying to sleep, but there's been no such luck. I've had a lot on my mind the past few weeks. Actually, it's been over the past two months or so. Back in August I learned that I possibly had a virus. In September my fear was put in to reality, and it was confirmed that I do have the virus. This virus is highly associated with causing a certain type of cancer. In a few days, (this coming Tuesday) I go in to see a specialist. I'm not sure if Tusday is they day they'll be doing the biopsy or if they're going to do it shortly after. However, I have been super worried about.
 I never in a million years thought that I would ever have to worry about cancer. Now, at the age of 21... it's becoming a reality. To be honest, I am extremely scared. I've only really opened up about to one person, and I am so thankful that they've been there for me.
 I can't help but think of everything I could have done to prevent it all. I could have said no.. I should have said no.. but I didn't. I was afraid of being hurt.. so I let things happen. Now, I will spend every day of my life with the regret. There's a chance I will never be able to have children. There's a chance I will never be able to be with someone I love. There's a chance I will die. It's so much for one girl to take in. I mean... what good, godly, young man would ever want a girl like me? So many mistakes, and so many regrets.
 I know I gave my life back to God in April... but sometimes, it doesn't seem right. I know God is a god of forgiveness and mercy.. but I don't know how to handle any of this..
 Some days.. I wish I would have succeeded.. somedays I wish would have killed myself when everyone around me told me I should..
 But then, I think of the ones who are in my life now.. who wouldn't have been if I had. I think of Bre.. would she have been able to make it through without me? I think of Zach... he's become the closest person to me, and that would have never have happened if I had killed myseld. My mom.. if I had died too, would never have gotten better. And my dad... I can't even imagine the heart break.
 I've done so well, I haven't had any kinds of self harming thoughts since May.. But it's still really difficult. I still struggle everyday with the depression, along with some PTSD. I've gotten better at handling things, but it's all because of the support I have from my best friend and my family.
 I know I will not be able to fight this on my own, please pray for me. I'v never really admited any of this to anyone.. and I know that now that I've posted this it's not much of a secret... but I figured I start being me again...

Thanks for listening.