This isn't a post that is easy for me to type or even think about
Last night I went to watch a documentary at my church... It was entitled "Nefarious... Merchant of souls"
It was about the Sex Trafficking of girls and women.
It was gut wrenching and heart breaking.
A statistic that struck my heart most was this "80-90% of girls who are in prostitution today had been sexually abused at some point in their life." That means, someone in that child's life took advantage of them, abused them. Someone she may have trusted. They ALL have a story.
I am blessed, but I can't help but think... What if God hadn't saved me?
This is my story... (As told at the ages it happened to be)
I was in 2nd grade. My family and I were living in Michigan at the time. My aunt, uncle, and cousin came up to visit use for a few days. My cousin was 7 years older than me and always seemed to be good at everything, and I totally looked up to him. Anyways, I had a playroom down in our basement which was separated by a vail, making a spare "room" which was where my cousin was staying. During one if the days they were there he was in the basement playing with me, I think he even helped me paint a life size picture of me on the wall. (I was allowed to paint on a portion of the wall in the play room) I stood on a chair and he traced around me. Then we painted it. He'd make small conversation with me, but a question he'd keep randomly asking me was what color underwear I was wearing. I knew even as an 8ish year old, that wasn't a question you should answer, so I'd ignore him. Later that night I was working on building a big castle fort in the basement. I made it really cool, it had like 1 "big" room and 2 little rooms. I wanted to sleep in it but was too scared too. My cousin told me that if I didn't sleep in it with him he'd tear it all down. Of course I cried and didn't want that so I stayed in it with him. I remember falling asleep and waking up at some point waking up... I didn't open my eyes or move because I felt something. Something didn't feel right and I became very scared. I didn't know what to do so I stayed very still and tried my best to pretend I was still asleep. (I am sorry if the following is too graphic for some I am trying too be as discreet as possible) I could tell my bottoms had been pulled down and I was being touched around my "private area", I could feel I was being licked? I was getting more and more weirded out and uncomfortable, I don't know how much longer I stayed still until I forced myself "awake" and in an outrage. I pulled my pants up and ran upstairs. He kept saying that I had went to the bathroom and forgot to pull them up. I knew he was lying, but I didn't know what else to do...
I had changed since then, not noticeable to anyone but myself.
I never let it go inside.
A few years later it was closer to Christmas and we were all living in NC. I was in 6th grade now. We were all over at my aunt and uncles house. My cousin was there too watching golf downstairs. I went down and we were just sitting and hanging out. Everything seemed fine until he'd start tickling me... When he'd tickle my he'd somehow find a way to touch my chest and what not... He did that maybe 3 times. Anyways. It didn't do much but make me annoyed. I went upstairs where our friend was... This friend went to school with us. He was more like a younger brother to my cousin and an older friend to me. He was a freshman that year I believe. That evening he and I were talking and I had told him about what my cousin was doing and had done in the past. He and I stayed up talking and what not later after everyone had gone up to sleep. He started asking me questions about what my cousin had done. He never once touched me (from what I can remember) but he mad me touch him several times, he'd keep asking me if this or that was what my cousin did, but he seemed like he was using it towards his pleasure rather than "helping me"... But he did say if I ever wanted to do that again I could just ask him.... I remember looking at him and telling him I didn't want to. He told me if I ever said anything he'd tell my cousin a lie. So I left it alone. I never told any one that I can remember.
Years past and I only held what had happened as a distant memory, but a strange fear had come ever me. It wasn't outward, but it was heavy inward. I was afraid to say no. It was only towards males though. There were times with boyfriends if I did I'd get hurt. I would always run to someone though, and for a while I felt safe and strong. It wasn't till I was 16/17 everything changed completely. My world as I knew it.
I started dating this guy who was 18-20, 3 years older than me. In the beginning our relationship was great, we seemed happy. A few more months into our relationship he began to want to move forward, he convinced me that the things were okay because we'd still be virgins. I trusted him and believed him so I allowed him and I to do such things, after all...I loved him and believed he was "the one". Anyways, he began to become aggressive. Small story short, he stole my virginity from me. I was devastated. He used me and several timed was so rough he'd make my shoulder come out of joint, or come very close.
I didn't know what to do. I knew I couldn't tell my parents. They'd make us break up. They wouldn't let me see him. I loved him. So I confided in my closest friends. But they told an adult and the word got to a few adults in the church. What did they do? Did they try to help me? NO! They threw judgment on me. They didn't care to listen to me. They didn't care to hear that he forced me. All they knew was I wasn't a virgin, making me "impure" and some would never let me forget it. After having to go through the outrageous amount of judgement, the church had impounded in my heard and mind that I was nothing anymore. I was worthless to God. So my mindset became, "we'll apparently I messed up, so why try anymore?" And so I stopped trying.. No, I didn't become a slut or whore or run around with a bunch of guys. But that "fear" of saying no was escalated, and when I would date a guy I wouldn't say no. Surprisingly so e had respect and wouldn't push me to have sex with them, but a few would... Some guys are wired with the ability to (I call it) "sweet talking".. In other words they lie.
It was my freshman year of college. I was at a small Christian university. I was okay through 1st semester, but after the death of my sister during the Christmas break I became very vulnerable. A little into my 2nd semester, I started dating a guy. He (unknowingly to me) was 28.. I was just turning 19. He was a pot head (I found that out several weeks later). He got into my head. He would say things like "I am the only one who can put up with you", "I am the only one who can handle you" and "you're going to have my children". Some how he would make it to where I could stay past curfews at his place, he was always smoking pot there. He never had the windows open and would always keep me smothered in it. When I'd return to the dorms I always felt like I was in a daze, and something's I couldn't/didn't remember. I wouldn't eat anything when I was with him, but he'd always give me water to drink. When there was a "party" at his place I was always locked in his room. I don't remember those nights. The memories I do have come to me like a film reel. I only learned of what was happening when my roommate was at one of the parties there. He had been drugging me. He had been having sex with me. I stayed silent,I told no one. Until one night I had a breaking point and tried to kill myself one night on campus. Even then I wouldn't admit what I knew, I was scared of what would happen. But the happiest day of my college life was when someone told me he had been escorted off of campus. I had only heard from him twice since then. But realizing what had happened there traumatized me to even deeper lengths. Granted, I did have people there who did try to help me. But one person showed me a YouTube video that did drastically change me. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bLgIecL1IdY
That is the link to the video. Now, don't get excited yet. Even though I started changing... I wasn't strong yet.
Needless to say I left the university after my freshman year. I made people believe it was because of me failing some of my classes . But the dirty truth was that I was scared. What if I were to run into the guy again? So I chose to stay home,
Unfortunately I didn't go back to the right crowd. While I was at college all my church friends were completing their senior year of high school. So, they were all getting ready to leave. I started dating a guy who was... Well mean. He was extremely verbally abusive and my "brothers" had already threatened him many times. I put up with the screaming and fighting for 10 months. Finally I caught him in a lie and well it ended. I'm not going to lie... There multiple times of suicidal moments.
Later I started dating and older guy. Well I was 19/20 and he was 22. He was in the military... Or we'll, the Coast Guard... Which in my family.. Counts! He was a very nice guy and much more mature. We started dating and after a few months he got word he was going to be relocated (he found out it'd be Cleveland, OH). He started telling me if I didn't go with him, he and I wouldn't last. I kept telling him that I couldn't move in with someone unless there was some kind of real commitment. So he promised either before we moved or shortly after he'd propose, but before I could go with him we'd have to be legally married so I wouldn't lose my benefits that I had had through my dad. (Remember this was all that he had said).
With all that said, I believed him and with my parents permission, it was done. I moved up there... He got me a job in his building. Things were okay... But he would be very mean and constantly saying things that would belittle me, but thankfully I wasn't the only person to notice all of my coworkers and some of his noticed his... Controlling actions. There were constant screaming battles and well there were times I'd be extremely ill and he wouldn't take me to a doctor. I ended up moving back home. (That's the short easy version of him) unfortunately, we had to be legally separated a year before we could be officially divorced.
When I cam home I started dating a guy from my past... He ended up being verbally and physically abusive.. And he didn't last long.
The thing was... When I came home... People in the church cast judgement on me.., they pointed their finger in my face..and made me hate being in the one place I had felt safe.
I gave up... On dating... I started listening to several people... After learning that I may hp have had cancer... I felt worthless and hopeless.
So my final attempt at suicide occurred. It was a Friday night, I took who knows how many pills and only ended up in the hospital. They talked to me and the next evening I was home.
The next day.. God started working.
I went to church, and then to the college class dinner, a young man caught my eye... But little did I know that God would use him in an incredible amazing way.
The young man came into my life without warning, and we bonded in an unexplainable way. Did we like each other? Yes. But something held him back from dating me. Instead he became my best friend. He made long term promises, that in all honesty I thought there was no way he could keep.
He told me he was determined to change my view on guys.
He told me he was going to help me see my worth.. My true worth
He told me no matter what he would not walk out on me
He told me he would always deeply care about me.
Throughout the year he and I have had our share of fight, annoyances, and hurt... But our friendship grew stronger.
When I was faced with the possibility of cancer, he was there, just as scared as I was, but always a strong shoulder for me to cry on and a big heart always offering up prayer for me.
When I would struggle with my self worth he would always tell me the I am priceless and special and I was valued outrageously by God.
No matter how grouchy I'd be on a random day or how "bitchy" I'd get toward him.. He was still there.
It was Easter, He had no idea of my inward struggle... I was awoken from my sleep around 3am... I had no idea why but I had the urge to read the next chapter in the book I'd been reading "He Chose The Nails". I read the chapter and was weeping all the way through. Max Lucado told the story of a young girl and her father. She grew up and ran away from home and stayed in a rebellious stage. Her father never stopped looking for her. When he found where she'd been working (as an exotic dancer), he left her a note “I know where you are,” it read. “I know what you do. This doesn’t change the way I feel. What I’ve said in each letter is still true.” She began reading the other letters he had written "will you come dance with your papa again?" She ran home, or well took the bus, and answered "yes".... What I learned rom that chapter is that pride drives you away, but it's shame that keeps you there. I was too ashamed to think that God truly loved me and wanted me... But what I learned that night, is that God had been chasing after me patiently waiting for me to come home. And oh did I run back to him that night and have I kept close to His side! It hasn't been easy the devil had tripped me up once, but I saw mistake, and picked myself up.
I've taken pride in keeping myself busy... Doing things God wants me doing... Volunteering with the middle school cheerleaders, outreach miniseries, and working with youth and little ones.
But my vision is much much greater. I was called. I was called to be a voice. A voice for young girl, older girls, and young ladies. I am called to fight with them and for them. I don't know how.. But the bible tells me one thing...
“If their plan comes from human authority, it will fail. But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop them” (Acts 5:38–39).”
So as I am trying to say is God saves lives, but he doesn't just save them, he changes them!
And I am only one life!
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